Day 1.

 Psalms 62:1-2

"He's solid rock under my feet, breathing room for my soul...."

July 25, 2021, I found myself in the emergency room. I was sick, weak, tired, and breaking down. I couldn't eat. No appetite. Nauseous. And honestly, just a complete mess. 

Question after question about how many days this had been happening, what started it, etc. and then the dreaded question came:

How many alcoholic beverages do you consume in a day?

Shame was all over me. 

My dad had taken me to the ER since my husband wasn't home at the time due to a prior commitment and my mom stayed with my children. 

How could I sit there and tell the nurses the truth?

But I knew if I didn't, I would only get worse. 

5-6. 

And I just laid there.

The doctor said, "5 to 6 what?" 

"5-6 beers a day. 8oz Busch Light. Every day."

The doctor said, "And how long has this been happening? Days? Weeks?"

My head sunk into my chest. Tears poured from my face. 

"Months."

He didn't react. I couldn't even look over at my dad. The truth was coming out- but something in me was forcing me. I HAD to talk about it. I knew I would die inside if I didn't. Right there. God orchestrated it all. He knew my purpose was bigger than this...

I had tests ran and meds were given-

and then as I'm getting ready to leave, the RN sat down next to me to read through the paper work and there under diagnosis was 

"Alcohol Abuse." I just crumbled. 

How did I let this happen? 

You don't understand.

I was raised in church, y'all. We don't let alcoholism consume us. But I know how- I kept everything in and suffered in silence and refused to be vocal and honest about my pain and struggles. I had a daughter receive an Autism diagnosis that rocked my world and never sought help for it personally. I encountered other circumstances and situations that I didn't talk about. That I didn't change or get out of ...

and months and months later-

I'm getting handed paperwork for a substance abuse counsellor. And I'm walking out with "alcohol abuse" and "anxiety disorder" paperwork.

I have an alcohol addiction.

I've known it for a long time.

I've known I was an alcoholic. 

For a long time.

But I got so sick, I finally had to come to terms with it and be honest.

That's step one, right? That's what they told me.

Admitting I'm powerless over alcohol and I have a problem.

I finally did. I spoke my truth- because I knew I was going to fall completely apart if I didn't. 

At 10:30PM on July 25, 2021, I was 24 hours sober. First time I've gone 24 hours without alcohol since March 2020.

*Only by His grace*