Day 3.

July 27, 2021

Woke up much better today. Took my medicine. I slept better than I have in weeks. Had zero vomiting for the first time in weeks. That's a start, right?

I cleaned the entire house today. It needed it so bad. I had been struggling to keep up with not feeling well. I got caught up on laundry. As I cleaned, I had to come to terms with so many uncomfortable emotions. Guilt, shame- the disbelief that I'd let things get this bad. I felt horrible and cried through a great deal of the chores. I struggled mentally a bit, but something I'm just going to have to come to terms with. It's something I'm going to have to face head on. 

My husband needed to go into town today and old me would have either stayed home or hurried up and guzzled 2 beers before jumping in the car with him. I felt like I *HAD* to have it to be relaxed and make it through. But I went- sober. Just trusting God Almighty. And guess what? We made it!

I'm going to continue journaling on this journey because I've come to find it's very therapeutic to get these thoughts and emotions down on paper and truly work through them. I had a rough evening tonight- we went out and I could feel all of my emotions and anxiety overwhelming me- which in turn got me super discouraged.

Grace is going to be difficult to give myself. I want absolute perfection right this second... and unfortunately, with mental health and substance abuse issues, it doesn't work like that. I wanted a drink so bad. It was all I could do to avoid grabbing one. I knew it would help in a second... I knew it would. But I also knew I can't just have one drink.... so I would have just started my cycle all over again and I'm finally hydrated and healing..

I'm turning every single thing over to Him.

He knows my fears.

He knows my panic.

Reflecting before bed tonight- I realized I don't even know who I am anymore without alcohol. It was my enter identity and personality. And I'm having to relearn all of that all over again. It's so odd. Just feeling bland, numb- who am I anymore? What sparks joy? What makes me smile? I can't even remember, but it's going to be a journey of learning.

At 10:30PM on 7/27/2021, I'm 3 days sober!

Still working on trusting God Almighty- my Higher Power- with all of these emotions and feelings.