Day 4.

 July 28, 2021

(Vegan Program)

Day 4 means I'm supposed to throw away all of my alcohol in the house today-

but I am struggling to do it.

Don't get me wrong- it's not that I plan on drinking these drinks. And I know where I was Sunday versus where I am today, at least physically and mentally-

but I'm scared.

What if my day gets *TOO* much?

How will I cope and manage? 

I *KNOW* that will work instantly....

It's so much to comprehend and process.

So, the drinks are still sitting here on my counter, staring at me at noon.

We will see what the rest of the day has in store. I have so much anxiety even thinking about dumping it all. 

As of 10:00PM, I still haven't dumped them out-

but I didn't drink them either.

That's a win in my book.

Asking for help has been the number one tool to utilize right now.

We aren't meant to do life alone- especially with matters of mental health, so I'm learning to BE HONEST. This is what the doctor told me- this is what the steps tell me-

I cannot do this by myself. Period.

I tried- which is why I became an alcoholic. That was my coping mechanism. 

But I'm learning to tell someone, "I'M NOT OKAY TODAY!" or "I'M STRUGGLING IN THIS SITUATION!!!" And it has taken so much pressure off of my chest. I feel okay in this moment.

Even WILLFULLY (in that I asked and planned it) to an event tonight with the family. Once again, old me would have drank two beers or just not went. Excuses are easy. 

Autism has made excuses too easy for me-

not anymore.

So we went.
And I made it.
With NO ALCOHOL.

At 10:30PM, I am officially 4 days sober. Only by His grace.