Day 5.

 

Today's the best I've felt in weeks.

I woke up feeling alive- finally.

Not sick. No vomiting. Whole.

I can't even begin describe the emotions.

Peace.

There's a glimpse of peace in my soul.

I've sought this for so long.

I'm going to be blunt and honest because, well, that's what I'm supposed to be striving for-

I would sit here, chugging beers, reading the Bible, and crying out to God to save me, but truth be told, and I can feel it in my soul now that I'm sitting in sobriety, that He couldn't get to me because alcohol was so built up. It's hard to feel the Holy Spirit in the midst of a buzz- like I said, I'm being honest. I wanted to feel the Spirit so bad, but I couldn't- but I had a huge barrier blocking the way. I begged and begged God to find me.

He did.

Not in the way I thought- in an emergency room surrounded by complete strangers hearing you admit you're struggling with alcohol abuse for the first time. 

Humbling.

And oddly enough, sobering. 

But I can finally feel Him. FINALLY. In ways I haven't felt Him.

Now- I know I'm only 5 days in. I have ways and ways to go- bad days will come and it's going to test my soul to see how they're handled, but today- today is good.

I've been listening to this song called "Made a Way" by Travis Greene. If you haven't heard it, I encourage it. About 5minutes and 11 seconds in, they start singing-

Don't know how, but You did it.
Don't know how, but You did it.
Don't know WHY BUT I'M GRATEFUL.

I just sit in tears.

I don't know why He found me like He did. Why He rescued me in the midst of the worst time of my life.

But as I sit here singing this song and talking to Him, I can feel Him whispering back-

THIS WILL BE YOUR TESTIMONY. I'M USING THIS FOR A MINISTRY. HOLD ON. 

I'm working on my health.

I'm getting sobriety under my belt.

And I'm coming up from this water a changed human.

I drank because I felt anxious, hopeless, lost, and confused.

I stopped drinking because I felt anxious, hopeless, lost, and confused....

I finally shared this story with others.

I haven't wanted to....

Because I was nervous others would laugh or think "There's no way she does it..." but I wanted to speak it out loud to have that accountability...

At 10:30PM, I'm officially 5 days sober.

Only by His grace.