He's my Breathing Room

  Today's the best I've felt in weeks. I woke up feeling alive- finally. Not sick. No vomiting. Whole. I can't even begin describe the emotions. Peace. There's a glimpse of peace in my soul. I've sought this for so long. I'm going to be blunt and honest because, well, that's what I'm supposed to be striving for- I would sit here, chugging beers, reading the Bible, and crying out to God to save me, but truth be told, and I can feel it in my soul now that I'm sitting in sobriety, that He couldn't get to me because alcohol was so built up. It's hard to feel the Holy Spirit in the midst of a buzz- like I said, I'm being honest. I wanted to feel the Spirit so bad, but I couldn't- but I had a huge barrier blocking the way. I begged and begged God to find me. He did. Not in the way I thought- in an emergency room surrounded by complete strangers hearing you admit you're struggling with alcohol abuse for the first time.  Humbling. And odd...

 July 28, 2021 (Vegan Program) Day 4 means I'm supposed to throw away all of my alcohol in the house today- but I am struggling to do it. Don't get me wrong- it's not that I plan on drinking these drinks. And I know where I was Sunday versus where I am today, at least physically and mentally- but I'm scared. What if my day gets *TOO* much? How will I cope and manage?  I *KNOW* that will work instantly.... It's so much to comprehend and process. So, the drinks are still sitting here on my counter, staring at me at noon. We will see what the rest of the day has in store. I have so much anxiety even thinking about dumping it all.  As of 10:00PM, I still haven't dumped them out- but I didn't drink them either. That's a win in my book. Asking for help has been the number one tool to utilize right now. We aren't meant to do life alone- especially with matters of mental health, so I'm learning to BE HONEST. This is what the doctor told me- this is what ...

July 27, 2021 Woke up much better today. Took my medicine. I slept better than I have in weeks. Had zero vomiting for the first time in weeks. That's a start, right? I cleaned the entire house today. It needed it so bad. I had been struggling to keep up with not feeling well. I got caught up on laundry. As I cleaned, I had to come to terms with so many uncomfortable emotions. Guilt, shame- the disbelief that I'd let things get this bad. I felt horrible and cried through a great deal of the chores. I struggled mentally a bit, but something I'm just going to have to come to terms with. It's something I'm going to have to face head on.  My husband needed to go into town today and old me would have either stayed home or hurried up and guzzled 2 beers before jumping in the car with him. I felt like I *HAD* to have it to be relaxed and make it through. But I went- sober. Just trusting God Almighty. And guess what? We made it! I'm going to continue journaling on this j...

 July 26th, 2021 (Vegan Program) Today started out rough. I woke up vomiting and super sick to my stomach. He told me I would have alcohol withdrawals those first 72 hours or so and boy was he right. I drank  heavy the night before the ER (whiskey and beer) so I knew it would be rough coming down from being "buzzed" almost all day every day. And I truly wish I was exaggerating, but I can't remember a time I haven't had a buzz for the last few months.  Drinking lots of water and staying hydrated has helped. I ate a good solid meal for the first time in a week and it was amazing to finally feel full. I was really proud of myself today though. Old me would have stayed home or drank 2-3 beers before taking the kids anywhere, let alone a park further away from our house. And I did it, with His grace, sober. I took my Bible and read and breathed with my husband. I never thought I would be able to do that.  Today I'm supposed to find an accountability partner. I didn...

 Psalms 62:1-2 "He's solid rock under my feet, breathing room for my soul...." July 25, 2021, I found myself in the emergency room. I was sick, weak, tired, and breaking down. I couldn't eat. No appetite. Nauseous. And honestly, just a complete mess.  Question after question about how many days this had been happening, what started it, etc. and then the dreaded question came: How many alcoholic beverages do you consume in a day? Shame was all over me.  My dad had taken me to the ER since my husband wasn't home at the time due to a prior commitment and my mom stayed with my children.  How could I sit there and tell the nurses the truth? But I knew if I didn't, I would only get worse.  5-6.  And I just laid there. The doctor said, "5 to 6 what?"  "5-6 beers a day. 8oz Busch Light. Every day." The doctor said, "And how long has this been happening? Days? Weeks?" My head sunk into my chest. Tears poured from my face.  "Months....